So, the other day, my good friend Selina writes to me that she's been on a frenzy looking up various schools all across the country and even overseas about master's degrees in History. It made me realize with a start that if I do intend to go to grad school, I'd best be looking and weighing my potential options, and fast. Ever since I entered Concordia University back in 2008, I had a dream - a dream of becoming a food historian that would change the world, write novel after novel about rare or exotic foods and spices and how they came to be used and why they were and are still important in the lives of people today. I was determined. I was dedicated. I bought lots of food history books on Amazon and tried to write all my essays for class on the topic of nutrition or food culture. Then, I got accepted into the Honours history program, and my world shattered.
Honours seminars are the worst way to learn. They are based on favortism and appearance, not even about what you write. It's about reading 3-4 articles every week and discussing them in great detail. What are we learning exactly? I'm not sure. To critique and tear apart the works of famous historians? Sure, it would be fine to just point out the thesis, however the teachers are looking for an intelligent chat, where all the students attempt to out-do the other with a smarter comment each time. I'm a person who learns through observation, listening and personal research. I have been accused of being a 'baby', having 'vapid opinions' and many other things in these classes simply because I choose to listen and take notes on the conversation. Some professors awarded higher participation marks to students who visited them in their office more often, which I see as favortism. Also, several of my friends were very chatty and brought up reasonable points in these classes and received the same low participation grade as I, who never spoke. It chalks up to which opinions the teachers agree with most. Professors have laughed about 'regular students' (i.e.: those not in honours) and said that we were different, we're special. Unfortunately, I don't agree with the whole 'ivory tower' mentality.
And so, I don't think I can do grad school. I do not want to be a part of a system that insults others, that is incredibly competitive, where you likely won't make any friends due to everyone competiting for the little available jobs post graduation. I don't want to sit in seminars and act smart and try to one-up every person who speaks. I want to learn. I want to study history because I love it, not because it's fun to insult other people's views and works. I want to make people's faces light up when I present strange and unusual facts in classrooms or museums. I want to help people find the books they want. I wanted to write creative textbooks about food and spices and the histories of them... but it seems I cannot do that without my degree and reputation as a scholar, which is obtained by suffering through graduate school and doing more of this bullshit which is 'Honours History' that I have described earlier. I cannot. I am not that kind of person.
So what are my options? Get internships or part-time work in museums and archives? Try to perhaps stay at my dad's company and become a salesman? Go to massage therapy school or cooking school and obtain a degree and work hard at another career? I don't... know. The world is so vast, there's so much I'd love to do, but which path to follow?
I am thus a confused panda. But writing out these thoughts is always helpful.
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