6 - in which a panda finds new inspiration

So, since the last few depressing posts of Twitter vomit as well of confusion with grad school, I have mostly sorted out my future. Now all I have left to do is get to it, so to speak. I have decided to abandon a future as an academic historian in favour of a job that may grant me more working opportunities close to home - that of the academic librarian or archivist. You see, I can still be a historian if I want to, publishing books on the side and that sort of thing, so all is not lost.

I was looking into applying at the MLIS program of McGill University (Masters of Information and Library Sciences). It's a two year degree with four classes each term. Need to start harrassing professors for reference letters and all that jazz, sort of in the style of "hello professor I am aware we haven't spoken in years but I got an A in your class so can you write me a letter stating how amazing I am so I can get into grad school please?". How exciting, the profs must be so happy to receive such requests every year but then again they had to do it too so I'm sure they understand.

School-wise, I have inspiration again in the sense that if I don't get these papers done, I fail, as they are both worth 50% (well one of them is worth 70%). I completed a ten page draft on women and brewing industry in late medieval England and have still about 10 pages of notes to expand on, so I think I will hit the 20 page mark with no difficulty. As for the other paper, I am a little more apprehensive as I received a B- on the midterm despite thinking I understood the concepts. Perhaps this weekend shall be devoted to re-reading both books and writing the entire essay much as I did last weekend to produce a working draft. Hurray for 13 hour days! It's the best idea though, as that paper is 12 pages and is due the 13th. Getting it out of the way early would be best so I can study for my history of Africa exam the 16th as well as submit my final medieval paper the same day.

Hobby-wise, I completed a drawing for the first time in MONTHS and I am rather proud. I can't say what it is though as it's a secret gift for my lovely friend in Sweden. However, I find myself suffering from writer's block when pertaining to the wonderful land of online RPing that I do. I may have to drop the hobby until the 16th as I saw last night it kept me up until 2 am. Furthermore, RP itself has been annoying me more and more, it makes me stressed, and a lot of the people there cause drama for no reason which makes me even more stressed. I actually think a lot of my unhappiness this term has been because of RP, which is unfortunate as I quite enjoy the hobby usually, I don't know what's wrong exactly, but I may have a hunch.

Now, I am off to dry my hair and eat a snack then head for class, an entire evening of presentations, good-golly-gosh aren't I lucky. And mine is tomorrow. Faaaantastic. Well, a student must do it, grit your teeth and bear it! :)

3 - in which a panda discovers that grad school is not the answer

So, the other day, my good friend Selina writes to me that she's been on a frenzy looking up various schools all across the country and even overseas about master's degrees in History. It made me realize with a start that if I do intend to go to grad school, I'd best be looking and weighing my potential options, and fast. Ever since I entered Concordia University back in 2008, I had a dream - a dream of becoming a food historian that would change the world, write novel after novel about rare or exotic foods and spices and how they came to be used and why they were and are still important in the lives of people today. I was determined. I was dedicated. I bought lots of food history books on Amazon and tried to write all my essays for class on the topic of nutrition or food culture. Then, I got accepted into the Honours history program, and my world shattered.

Honours seminars are the worst way to learn. They are based on favortism and appearance, not even about what you write. It's about reading 3-4 articles every week and discussing them in great detail. What are we learning exactly? I'm not sure. To critique and tear apart the works of famous historians? Sure, it would be fine to just point out the thesis, however the teachers are looking for an intelligent chat, where all the students attempt to out-do the other with a smarter comment each time. I'm a person who learns through observation, listening and personal research. I have been accused of being a 'baby', having 'vapid opinions' and many other things in these classes simply because I choose to listen and take notes on the conversation. Some professors awarded higher participation marks to students who visited them in their office more often, which I see as favortism. Also, several of my friends were very chatty and brought up reasonable points in these classes and received the same low participation grade as I, who never spoke. It chalks up to which opinions the teachers agree with most. Professors have laughed about 'regular students' (i.e.: those not in honours) and said that we were different, we're special. Unfortunately, I don't agree with the whole 'ivory tower' mentality.

And so, I don't think I can do grad school. I do not want to be a part of a system that insults others, that is incredibly competitive, where you likely won't make any friends due to everyone competiting for the little available jobs post graduation. I don't want to sit in seminars and act smart and try to one-up every person who speaks. I want to learn. I want to study history because I love it, not because it's fun to insult other people's views and works. I want to make people's faces light up when I present strange and unusual facts in classrooms or museums. I want to help people find the books they want. I wanted to write creative textbooks about food and spices and the histories of them... but it seems I cannot do that without my degree and reputation as a scholar, which is obtained by suffering through graduate school and doing more of this bullshit which is 'Honours History' that I have described earlier. I cannot. I am not that kind of person.

So what are my options? Get internships or part-time work in museums and archives? Try to perhaps stay at my dad's company and become a salesman? Go to massage therapy school or cooking school and obtain a degree and work hard at another career? I don't... know. The world is so vast, there's so much I'd love to do, but which path to follow?

I am thus a confused panda. But writing out these thoughts is always helpful.